Dilindungi: putyourfullnamemaybeyouareinvitedtobethatsomebody

Kandungan ini dilindungi kata laluan. Untuk melihatnya sila masukkan kata laluan di bawah.

Kata Laluan:

Two

“Lama dan jarang jarang dah menulis blog eh?”
“Taklah. Aktif je, cuma tak tulis kat sini,”
“Ada dua?”
‘Roughly, aah,”
“Why do you have two blogs or more?”
“It’s two. What make you interested to know?”
“Just wondering,”

Smile.

“I just have one strong reason to give. Here, I write the painful and dreadful feelings. Aku percaya tak ada orang dah datang sini, kalau ada pun, orang luar. I’m free from USM students, from being judged. This is all about life..  Blog ni sepatutnya jadi memori, tapi you know, perasaan macam ni bukan constant dia hilang…”
“The other one?” 
“Hanyalah sekadar repekan yang kau boleh pilih sendiri untuk ilmiah atau tidak,” 

p/s: Here I am for you, who ask me. Okay?

Why?

“Are you… Malay?”
“No,”
“No? You look like Malay,”
“I’m dark, but not so dark to be Indian. But not that fair to be Chinese. But no. I’m Muslim. I like to be known as a muslim,”

Smiling.

“If it is okay, why?”
“Muslim can be Malay. But Malay, there’s no guarantee they’re Muslim,”

Smiling.

“I’d really like to talk to you, but I have to go right now. I’m sorry,”
“When?”

Kataba. Maktabun.
Darosa. Madrosun.
‘Allimu. Mu’allim.
Islam. Muslimun.
Iman. Mu’minun.

Those stigmas, attitude, belief, hatred, no, I’m not.
I’ve been trying not to be.

“When?”

Smiling. KTM stopped. Destination has just arrived.

“Someday…”

Akhirnya, Kita Asing Kembali…

Hidup ni, memang diciptakan berpasangan. Kaki, tangan, mata, telinga. Namun, dalam yang satu itu, ada satu yang kita harus mencari pasangannya; hati.

Hati.

Minggu ini sahaja, dua berita cukup nak buat hati tersentak dan buat hati aku yang sekeping ini terfikir, kalau inilah ujian untuk aku maka biarlah masa berlalu dengan laju. Selajunya. Kerana aku percaya, masa ada pengubat paling mujarab, paling berkesan dan paling sempurna.

Masa.

Namun tuhan tidak akan dan ttidak pernah akan menguji manusia di luar batas mampu. Apa yang kita telan, adalah apa yang kita upaya. Apa yang kita tahan, adalah apa yang kita terdaya.

Walau kadang kala kita rasa oh tuhan aku belum tentu mampu atau aku tidak tertanggung, namun kita tetap dan terus bertatih perlahan. Walau kita terkadang bertanya mengapa aku, namun dalam sepi soalan itu, kita terus telan dan mencuba. Kita adalah manusia. Kita lupa. Kita lemah. Kita bukan sesiapa tanpa Dia. Namun dari jauh satu sudut percaya, yakinlah, ujian ini adalah yang terbaik dan sebaiknya.

Berbalik pada asingnya kita satu hari nanti. Inilah dua berita cukup untuk mencarik luka nan satu namun aku percaya hikmahnya tetap ada. Cuma jika aku, jika aku, oh tuhan mohon ku, doaku bukan aku.

Kita boleh berjumpa, dan seterusnya kita jatuh cinta. Telah Allah tetapkan Adam, Hawa pasangannya. Telah Allah tetapkan Yusuf, Zulaikha cintanya. Telah Allah tetapkan Muhammad nan agung, Khadijah temannya.

Kita hanya mengambil sedetik mengenali. Oh cliche bukan bila kita harus mengambil seumur hidup untuk melupakan?

Tapi itulah yang berlaku.

Kau dan aku dan kita; aku ambil contoh kau dan aku bukanlah sebenar-benarnya aku. Kau dan aku asing mulanya. Akhirnya, kita berjumpa dan bersatu maka asing itu menjadi satu istilah indah nan mulia, suami dan isteri.

Dan mengapa dengan satu lafaz; seumur hidup kita menjadi asing kembali?

—

Ini kisah dua. Pada aku kisah lebih buat aku sepanjang hari jadi kurang keruan. Meski bukan aku. Meski bukan, namun hakikatnya, hati dan perasaan wanita, ada satu networking yang luas jalur lebarnya.

Hati wanita.

Juga kita bermula asing. Berkenalan. Dan kini kita asing semula, dalam dua suasana berbeza. Kau di sana, dan aku masih kekal di sini, menangisi. Kau di sana, dan aku di sini. Di sini yang di sini.

“Kak Huda, normal blood pressure manusia berapa?”
“120/80,”
“Atas ke bawah?”
“Atas, systolic 120. Bawah, diastolic 80,”
“Erm, heart rate?”
“Kalau tak silap 60-100,”
“Kak Huda, dopamine tu apa?”
“Give me a second, I’ll find that for you. Just wait,”

Aku bukanlah manusia ada segala macam ilmu dalam dada. Namun berkata tidak sebelum mencari adalah satu pantang yang aku pegang. Never say I-don’t-know until the question is a dead end.

Dopamine; something has to do with nerve impulses and heart attack and blood flow due trauma. That word that lead me to another question of why should she asked me those questions? It has nothing to do with her study, neither her patient.

Why?

She left me, unanswered.

Yesterday, she called me again and and she kept on asking the same question.

“Kenapa?”
“He was accident. The only organ that still functioning is his heart,”

Aku boleh dengar ada tangisan di situ dan aku boleh rasa weird feeling; the unpleasant one running through my whole body.

“How’s him?”
“Bad. Really bad,”
“Are you okay?”
“The doctor said, they’re waiting for his heart beat to get a little weaker and the doctor…“

She stopped to have deep breath. She stopped so she could be a little bit calm. She stopped, so she could be rationale. I know her. I know this what a typical human will do. And this thing I will do too. Stop for a while, gain energy, speak out, release.

This time is real. This is not one of the series of Grey’s anatomy. This is real. She is the one that I know have to face this. She isn’t the actress to pretend the scene. She’s not holding any script to say. This is the dialogue, the reality that she’s forced to speak.

“I read the folder. The life support machine. It has three different colours; the systolic, dystolic and I believe the other one is his heart beat. It’s too weak,”
“The blood pressure? Heart rate? The dystolic?”
“The dystolic is 30. That’s all I remember,”

Now, I was shocked. It was too low. Too low. I’m not a medical student, but I read and it was dangerous.

“The doctor diagnosed with something that the brain.. bleeding… both sides… nothing’s functioning now… nothing… except the heart….,”

I let her cry.

“The doctor said… they’re waiting…for the heart…. weaker.. then, they decide to… turn off… his life support machine…..”

Aku tak tahu nak kata apa dan perkataan yang aku kena avoid adalah sabar. Sebab macam mana pun keadaan dia, of course dia tengah bersabar dan asked her to be more patient is ridiculous. Aku type mesej dan aku delete dan aku taip semula dan aku delete sebab aku tak tahu nak kata apa.

“Aku doakan yang terbaik untuk kau,”
“Doakan aku, dia,”
“Of course I do. You’re my friend,”

Maka seharian aku tersenyap dan berfikir. Inilah kehidupan. Kita tak pernah tahu apa yang akan berlaku dihadapan. Kita tidak pernah akan tahu bila kita kehilangan. Kita sendiri tidak tahu kita kehilangan atau kita sendiri yang hilang. Kita tidak pernah boleh menjangkakan sesuatu sedih, macam ni, unexpected thing to happen.

Kita hanya mampu dan boleh untuk berusaha dan berdoa.

This is life.

One message received.

“Dia dah tak ada,”

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say because if I were her, I don’t know how… to live at this moment.

“I’ve been thinking of you the whole day. Kita doakan dia. And for you, Insyallah. Insyallah, time will heal. It will. It always does,”

—

Kita tidak pernah tahu bila dan bagaimana, kita asing semula…

Is This Miracle?

I slept at 5.30 am. Well, I know.. it was not night anymore but I only managed to sleep at that time. Finally. I spent the whole night preparing my resume and did multiple laundries and stuffs. I’m going home.. for good.

Aku berfikir sepanjang malam. Sambil basuh baju, sambil tunggu mesin basuh selesai, sambil jemur baju, sambil menaip, sambil makan, sambil termenung, aku berfikir. Aku taip resume, dan aku masih berfikir soalan yang sama. This is what I want?

Aku boleh apply kerja dekat Hearing Aids Centre, but is this what I want? Aku pegang pendirian aku kena kerja benda yang aku cinta jadi aku tidak perlu berkerja sepanjang hayat yang aku ada.

So, I search for private hospitals. Disebabkan goverment bekukan pengambilan sampai diberitahu semula, so I just to find any position that suits me or my degree. I just did.

Aku betul betul betul betul betul tak tahu apa yang aku nak, sampaikan aku letak kepala atas bantal pukul 5.30 pagi aku masih fikir. Ada juga aku terfikir apa kata kerja dengan nursery? Atau buka nursery, now that’s imposibble. I don’t have that much money to start with.

So, I just closed my eyes and started to dream that I was surrounded with kids. They’re laughing, and enjoying their childhood and I was in that dream, the happiest ever.

Bunyi telefon and it’s Wan.

Terbangun.

Tarik nafas panjang lagi. Is this what I want? I guess yeah but I don’t know. It was 10 am and my neck hurts. Aku letak kepala salah angle and sampai sekarang nak toleh kiri kanan pun susah.

Aku singgah pejabat pos and aku realize yang banyak benda dah berubah. Setem no longer 30 cent, it 70.. more than half. Aku beratur and out of sudden late 40s female berdiri sebelah aku. Aku senyum dan angguk as I nicely ask her to que in front of me. The only thing I can remember her; she has that mamak’s look. Muka India muslim. Mamak is better. Whatever.

Lepas aku beli setem, aku cari bangku batu untuk tampalkan pada resume. Masih celaru, dan masih tarik nafas panjang. I didn’t know why but it happened.

And again this woman came and sat beside me.

“Rajinnya awak? Buat apa?”
“Tengah cari kerja,”
“Rajinnya,”
“Tak adalah rajin. Hidup, macam nilah,”

Dia senyum. Aku senyum. I am a nice person even sometimes I’m harsh but I am nice. You can deny but I am a nice person. Now, it is irritating, Huda. Well, I just wanne be a little nicer.

“Acik datang sini jumpa doktor apa?”
“Kencing manis,”
“Oh.. dah lama?”

Bla bla bla. The conversation went on and on and on.

“Eh, makanlah,”
“Tak apa, saya dah makan sarapan,”

Dia suakan aku buah and she wanted me to have a bite which was weird. For me, it’s weird.

“Baguslah awak ni,”

Again?

“Tak adalah. Saya dah 24 so saya kena fikir macam mana nak hidup sekarang. Government hospital maybe tak akan panggil buat masa terdekat jadi kena work hardlah sikit,”
“Tak apa, cari je dulu. Mana dapat pergi dulu,”

I laughed.

“Okaylah. Pergi dulu. Ni saya bagi nombor telefon nanti telefon eh?”

I was like what? Why should I need to call her? Why she needs to expect me to call her? But unconsciously I grabbed my handphone to take the numbers and all she gave me was one bussiness card.

“I love you,”

And she just went away. Just like that. Wait, did she says I love you to me? What?

Aku simpan kad tu dalam wallet, errr.. okay fine dalam purse without even looking. Aku masukkan resume dalam post box and aku jalan semula dalam keramaian manusia. I guess USM tengah buat satu event sebab manusia sangatlah ramai.

And out of sudden, again, she was in front of me, smiling.

“See you next time,”

And went away again.

Aku pelik. What’s wrong with this woman or what’s wrong with me? Am I too bright or too gloomy or too whatever that everybody start to notice me? Am I too weird? Did I wear something that catch attention?

Definitely not.

And I remember something which was placed in my purse.

Aku buka wallet ops, purse dan keluarkan bussiness card tadi.
She has seven kidergartens!

And now I’m still wondering, ni alamat apa sebenarnya? Ni jawapan apa yang aku nak ke apa? Still aku ada doubt, aku akan kehilangan semua skills aku ke? Ni apa sebenarnya?

I just take it as an option not more. But,

Miracle does happen, doesn’t it?

Worth

Nobody says that this life will be easy, but it is worth to try, huh?

—

I don’t know if I did try much enough and I also don’t know if I hadn’t try much enough. I dont know. Up until this moment, I still keep on asking, should I shut my mouth or shouldn’t I?

Because either way, it hurts.
Because either way, I don’t think people will understand.
Because either way, the one who will be blamed is me.

I’m sorry if I’m rude. I didn’t mean to do this in anyway. I watch movies to learn english, to speak in english, to understand english, much better.

I listen to english music, to learn english, to speak in senglish, to gain confidence.

I write in english even I know every sentences I’m going to write, I will make thousand of mistakes, zillionth of grammatical errors.

Do I care? No, I don’t.

I just want to be better.

I even read child storybooks, the one with large printed words. Yeah, that one. I learn every single grammar in there. I bought myself grammar books with hidden title “for dummies”.

I try my best. I did.

I guess, learing from watching movies is the worst. I watched House, Grey’s Anatomy, Lie To Me, and much much much more. Each time, I will make sure a dictionary on my left, and my own vocabs book on my right. I try to pronouce the way they pronouce it.

I should’ve realize earlier that sometimes, the words that the actors used, were rude. I should’ve realize earlier that the way they’re answering the questions, was irritating. I should’ve realize earlier that I’m in Malaysia and not UK or US.

I should’ve.

I’m sorry for myself. To hold up to this far. I’m sorry for myself because even I’m free to go, literally.. I’m not. I’m sorry for myself, to digest the torture. I’m sorry for myself, because they don’t understand and don’t give me any chance to explain.

I’m sorry for myself.

I’m sorry.

Ini Aku. Kan?

I still have readers here. The visitors keep increasing. I don’t know why people still come here but I come here too. Today.

There was one day, my friend asked me….

—

I write to express not to impress. I read all the entries during 2009 today.

—

4 tahun dah. 4 tahun. Bukan kejap. Bukan lama sangat. Aku rasa macam aku baru jadi freshie semalam yang kena marah dengan abang fasi sebab aku duduk masa orang lain semua beratur. Oh dia marah salah orang sebab akhirnya dia minta maaf balik dengan aku.

Aku masih ingat the first day yang aku rasa abang fasi ni gila baik oh padanlah dia baik sebab dia pegang jawatan exco kebajikan. Aku vote dia okay untuk anugerah amenda entah. Tu sebab dia buat baik dengan aku bagi panadol dan air mineral yang entah mana dia amik. Sebab malam tu aku demam dan muntah sebab kena dengar semua fasi membebel rasa-nak-sepak-sorang-sorang. Oh, rupa-rupanya fasi ni dia adik pada aku.

4 tahun lepas aku tak ada idea ape benda audiologi ni. Yang aku tahu kos ni kat Kelantan dan aim aku nak duduk Kelantan. iIm duduk Kelantan yang sangat tak senonoh dan akhirnya tak berakhir dengan apa yang mahu.

Tak apa. Aku jumpa banyak budak kacak lagi smart dekat sini. So, worthlah aku datang sini.

Aku sepatutnya cari kerja sekarang bila almost semua kawan kawan aku dah kerja pun. Dan aku tak ada perasaan pun. Especially towards audiology ni. Impian aku nak jumpa pediatric cases, tolong as much as I could, bla bla bla.

Entah. Energi tu dah hilang.

Aku rasa macam mana aku selesai di sini. Hakikatnya, aku tak.

4 tahun. 4 tahun.

Antara impian yang aku tulis dalam senarai impian impian, aku harap aku nak dapat naik satu pentas yang sama pada masa yang sama dengan my bestfriend. Well, Allah knows best.

Aku tak tahu aku ni manusia jenis apa, tapi sekarang aku tak terasa ingin pun naik stage tu. Kenapa kalau grad kena naik stage pakai jubah pakai topi tu? Kenapa mesti macam tu.

Kalaulah aku ni jenis tak consider, aku rasa aku tak pergi. Tapi, kalaulah dengan naik stage dan mak ayah aku akan happy that one of their daughters yang gila susah nak besarkan dengan perangai, dengan sakit, dengan feel dengan itu dengan ini, she made it! Kalau lah dengan naik stage ni buat mak ayah aku senyum dan gembira dan bangga.

Then, why not?

Sometimes, hidup ni bukan apa yang kita nak. Bukan apa yang kita harapkan. Tapi dengan kehendak dan kasih sayang orang orang disekeliling kita, kita rasa apa yang kita tak nak tu lah apa yang kita perlukan.

Kalau nak diikutkan perasaan, aku lebih kepada arts. Aku nak jadi penulis. Pembaca berita. Wartawan. Penerbit. Dan sekarang, sungguh kalau aku diberi peluang ulang balik masa, adakah aku nak apa yang aku impikan?

Tak.

Ini yang aku nak.

Jalan ni yang terbaik. Paling baik. Sebaik baiknya.

Kawan aku cakap, benda benda yang jadi pada aku sometimes unbelievable. You know, kita bukannya kuat sangat. Tapi kita akan jadi incredibly kuat sebab menjadi kuat hanyalah satu satunya pilihan yang tinggal.

Adakah kalau masa boleh diulang, aku akan minta untuk tidak cedera? Untuk tidak ada balance disorder? Untuk tidak diserang asthma dengan kerap? Untuk tidak dipasang dua skru didalam lutut. Untuk tidak di warded? Untuk tidak perlu ke fisioterapi? Untuk tidak menunggu? Untuk tidak ditukar topik research?

Kalau masa diulang, aku nak tak supaya tak alami segala sukar yang dah aku lalui?

Tak. Aku pilih untuk hadap dan hadam semua ni. This is my life. This is it.

So bila aku baca balik semua jurnal kehidupan aku dalam blog ni, apa aim aku sebenarnya menulis? Aku nak raih simpati orang baca?

Tak.

Aku nak kejar nuffnang?

Hell no.

Aku nak jadi famous?

Banyak benda lagi aku boleh buat dengan kudrat yang ada untuk ke arah itu.

Aku pathetic?

Sometimes.

—

Aku menulis sebab kalau satu hari nanti aku nak kenang balik semua hadiah tuhan untuk aku. Aku boleh kesini. Aku boleh baca dan kenang semula setiap satu. Kau tahukan kita selalu lupa, tapi bila ada benda trigger, kita boleh recall satu satu. Cepat je mengalir semula dalam memori. Satu satu. Satu satu.

Kita mungkin senyum atau kita mungkin berair mata. Tapi perasaan tu, sekurang-kurang ada. Dan dengan perasaan itu, kita hidup. Dan kita rasa manusia. Tapi untuk dapat perasaan itu, kena ada benda trigger.

Dan this journals, my life journals, the diarisenja…

Is my trigerring factors and I love it.

The Bad Letter

Hi.

I may not your top student, not a top scorer, not even a four flatter student. I may not even your favourite, not a good speaker, not good enough when delivering intelligent answers, lacking theories and skills. I may at your eyes, slow while moving, messy, stupid, dowdy.

You’re not experience and get involve in these 4 years I fight. You just know me for this few months and finally you seem to conclude just as above stated. I may not a top student, but I actively participate and help the project that needing my hand. I may not a top scorer, but I try to maintain and keep the knowledge delivered stick still in my mind. I may not a four flatter, but I know what should and shouldn’t do as what stated in the textbooks.

I don’t read the books for exam. I read it because I want to use it!

I may not good running the clinic, but I have heart to treat!

I’m clumsy, I’m messy because I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid to hear whatever words that may come out from your mouth. I’m afraid of your frowning even when I’m right. I’m afraid of your questions and I always resist to answer. Not because I don’t know but because of even when I’m right you just nod your head, but when it comes to your favourite student, you praise them highly.

Everday, I wake up with sadness. I used to open up my eyes in the morning with glow and bright hope. I love clinics and classes too much. I love being an audiology student. I always study before entering the class therefore whatever the lecturers said,  I can participate actively. That’s the old me.

I don’t mind had to miss the class and need to have extra reading due to multiple appointments with different specialty doctors in a week two years back. I’m okay with that. I’m okay even had to run faster to catch up with my friends and at the same time  persuaded my heart to be lot and lot patient due to not known proper diagnosis yet.

I prefer my hand to be pinched with needle thousand times rather than your stabbing words.

I’m dowdy, I’m not stylish, I’m not up-to-date when dressing. But I know the dressing code wherever I go. I don’t prefer to selimpang selimpang tudung. I don’ t wear Siti’s hijab or Wardina’s style hijab, or the tudung keras melekat shawl segala! I’m not attractive, but I know I must be clean and tidy and neat. I know the color I choose are all dull and same, its either green or pink or green or pink or green. I like green too much and my mom said I’m okay and sopan in pink. That’s explain why all my of clothes are mostly pink and green.

Other than that, I’m just okay with jeans and t-shirt. Still, that’s an issue when it comes to me. 😥

I was a rebellious student back to my secondary school. I’ve never do my homeworks if I have to. The more you forced me, the rebellious I was. The more you pushed me,  more and more and more I won’t follow. The more I’d being punished, the more rules I broke.

But university life changed me. I guess because of the small number of students in the class, the lecturers know each of us; the attitude, the style, the weaknesses as well as the strength. The lecturers treat us not like a child anymore but as a young adult. Hear what I’m going to say, and correctly without need to yell. They understand my problems and not claim it as I make up the stories.

Since then my assignments were submitted on time. Even I need to be warded, I’ll always make sure I send it on time or earlier. All the reports were always in my mind and at which week should be sent.

But now, I can feel I’m now back to my secondary school. It just like if you don’t like me once, I’ll hate you twice. As simple as that. The more you push me, the more I won’t do. I really disappointed of myself, but I can’t deny that I’m more disappointed for what already happened. And its really hurt when you broke your promise and rearranged that without even a single word to me. Do you really want me to fail, again?

This is my heart saying. I know it is hurt to read. I’m too, hard to read it back. But I want to burst it out! I’m angry. Too angry!

I’m sorry for the bad words.
Really sorry.

Ini Rahsia Kita Tau?!

Aku tulis sini sebab sini je aku rasa selamat. Sini je aku rasa at least tak dibaca oleh budak budak USM lagi. 😥

Currently, aku mula takut semula dengan seorang doktor ni. Ni bukan lecturer. Ni doctor, a doctor. He did something bad to me. Doctor, please. You’re my doctor and I’m your patient. I’m not your toy for sure.

Doktor dah minta maaf, kenapa doktor buat lagi?

Ramai kawan kawan saya bakal doktor. Janganlah disebabkan doktor sorang, saya hilang respek pada doktor doktor yang lain…

 

 

 

Tolong Doakan Eh

Tapi baca kat

SINI!

Rasa Nak Menjenguk

Dah lama rasa tak jenguk sini. Diari aku dari blogspot, kemudian wordpress kemudian ke blogspot balik. Entah, hari ni rasa nak godek godek blog lama yang simpan banyak cerita zaman sedih sedih sungguh cengeng. Apa nak buat, kan dah kata cry baby. Pehh. Tak macho langsung.

Dari bulan April rasa langsung dah tak update. Tadi tengok statistik semua macam kagum ada lagi pautan ke blog ni. Tapi dia punya menjunam tu memang satu macamlah. Hahhaha. Lagi macam wow!, hari-hari masih ada orang tersesat masuk sini untuk sesetengah entri terutama entry otak ini, dan entri jiwang ini.

Demi tidak mahu menjadi kacang lupakan kulit, aku ziarah jugalah sini walaupun dah bermukim kekal kat sini.

I love you WORDPRESS! I love you my ex-blog! Eheh.

Please Read and Spread!

Click to Enlarge

Please have a read here and spread it! I’m begging ya! 😦

Heh

Alola heh. Aku kat sini. Okayyyy? Dah dah. Haa. Re-link bila dah tahu ye. -.-”

Hihihihihihiihih. Gilo.

Babai

Kalau kau sayang aku, eh, kalau kau rindu aku, eh.. err.. suka hatilah.. Pandai-pandailah cari aku kat mana.

Buat masa ini, babai!

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Apa kata kita menyambut hari kelahiran ini dengan berhenti menulis blog?