The Bad Letter


I may not your top student, not a top scorer, not even a four flatter student. I may not even your favourite, not a good speaker, not good enough when delivering intelligent answers, lacking theories and skills. I may at your eyes, slow while moving, messy, stupid, dowdy.

You’re not experience and get involve in these 4 years I fight. You just know me for this few months and finally you seem to conclude just as above stated. I may not a top student, but I actively participate and help the project that needing my hand. I may not a top scorer, but I try to maintain and keep the knowledge delivered stick still in my mind. I may not a four flatter, but I know what should and shouldn’t do as what stated in the textbooks.

I don’t read the books for exam. I read it because I want to use it!

I may not good running the clinic, but I have heart to treat!

I’m clumsy, I’m messy because I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid to hear whatever words that may come out from your mouth. I’m afraid of your frowning even when I’m right. I’m afraid of your questions and I always resist to answer. Not because I don’t know but because of even when I’m right you just nod your head, but when it comes to your favourite student, you praise them highly.

Everday, I wake up with sadness. I used to open up my eyes in the morning with glow and bright hope. I love clinics and classes too much. I love being an audiology student. I always study before entering the class therefore whatever the lecturers said,  I can participate actively. That’s the old me.

I don’t mind had to miss the class and need to have extra reading due to multiple appointments with different specialty doctors in a week two years back. I’m okay with that. I’m okay even had to run faster to catch up with my friends and at the same time  persuaded my heart to be lot and lot patient due to not known proper diagnosis yet.

I prefer my hand to be pinched with needle thousand times rather than your stabbing words.

I’m dowdy, I’m not stylish, I’m not up-to-date when dressing. But I know the dressing code wherever I go. I don’t prefer to selimpang selimpang tudung. I don’ t wear Siti’s hijab or Wardina’s style hijab, or the tudung keras melekat shawl segala! I’m not attractive, but I know I must be clean and tidy and neat. I know the color I choose are all dull and same, its either green or pink or green or pink or green. I like green too much and my mom said I’m okay and sopan in pink. That’s explain why all my of clothes are mostly pink and green.

Other than that, I’m just okay with jeans and t-shirt. Still, that’s an issue when it comes to me. 😥

I was a rebellious student back to my secondary school. I’ve never do my homeworks if I have to. The more you forced me, the rebellious I was. The more you pushed me,  more and more and more I won’t follow. The more I’d being punished, the more rules I broke.

But university life changed me. I guess because of the small number of students in the class, the lecturers know each of us; the attitude, the style, the weaknesses as well as the strength. The lecturers treat us not like a child anymore but as a young adult. Hear what I’m going to say, and correctly without need to yell. They understand my problems and not claim it as I make up the stories.

Since then my assignments were submitted on time. Even I need to be warded, I’ll always make sure I send it on time or earlier. All the reports were always in my mind and at which week should be sent.

But now, I can feel I’m now back to my secondary school. It just like if you don’t like me once, I’ll hate you twice. As simple as that. The more you push me, the more I won’t do. I really disappointed of myself, but I can’t deny that I’m more disappointed for what already happened. And its really hurt when you broke your promise and rearranged that without even a single word to me. Do you really want me to fail, again?

This is my heart saying. I know it is hurt to read. I’m too, hard to read it back. But I want to burst it out! I’m angry. Too angry!

I’m sorry for the bad words.
Really sorry.


~ oleh INFINITY di Mac 23, 2011.

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