Worth

Nobody says that this life will be easy, but it is worth to try, huh?

I don’t know if I did try much enough and I also don’t know if I hadn’t try much enough. I dont know. Up until this moment, I still keep on asking, should I shut my mouth or shouldn’t I?

Because either way, it hurts.
Because either way, I don’t think people will understand.
Because either way, the one who will be blamed is me.

I’m sorry if I’m rude. I didn’t mean to do this in anyway. I watch movies to learn english, to speak in english, to understand english, much better.

I listen to english music, to learn english, to speak in senglish, to gain confidence.

I write in english even I know every sentences I’m going to write, I will make thousand of mistakes, zillionth of grammatical errors.

Do I care? No, I don’t.

I just want to be better.

I even read child storybooks, the one with large printed words. Yeah, that one. I learn every single grammar in there. I bought myself grammar books with hidden title “for dummies”.

I try my best. I did.

I guess, learing from watching movies is the worst. I watched House, Grey’s Anatomy, Lie To Me, and much much much more. Each time, I will make sure a dictionary on my left, and my own vocabs book on my right. I try to pronouce the way they pronouce it.

I should’ve realize earlier that sometimes, the words that the actors used, were rude. I should’ve realize earlier that the way they’re answering the questions, was irritating. I should’ve realize earlier that I’m in Malaysia and not UK or US.

I should’ve.

I’m sorry for myself. To hold up to this far. I’m sorry for myself because even I’m free to go, literally.. I’m not. I’m sorry for myself, to digest the torture. I’m sorry for myself, because they don’t understand and don’t give me any chance to explain.

I’m sorry for myself.

I’m sorry.

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~ oleh INFINITY di Mei 25, 2011.

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