Deeply Afraid

I have mixed feelings lately. It’s unexplainable; negative and distracted.

I went to physio as usual with different way taken. Last week from 4 Utara to there and now, from where I will be that time. But then, nothing different. It still need a lot of efforts to bend my knee even for just 5 degree. I don’t care and yet don’t mind. It just what has written to me. Neither I want nor I won’t, I have to.

Today, my physiotherapist did the same protocol. Well, little different. For the past few days, he put cold gel pad on my right knee but today, it was hot pad.

I’m no longer covered the cut but just let it open. I feel free anyway without all the remeh temeh stuffs on my skin.

Mr. Md Zain told me the things that I don’t want to hear. Never will. He told that something happen to my skin together with the stitches or the other way around. He said that my ‘cut’ skin now in the perfect healing process BUT (a big but!), it heals and glued together with the muscle (I guess it muscles or I just explain the way I understand).

Why he said so?

Kau cuba cubit kulit badan kau. Dia macam tak melekat pun dengan isi apatah lagi tulang kan?

It goes different. The healing process of post op ACL reconstruction.

Before tha operation, they decided to use my own ligament, patellar ligament to be exact. So, about 6-7 cm cut right on one third of my patellar ligament. 10 stitches made.

What make physiotherapist and I worried the most (oh, I worry many things anyway), The healing process now; the cut, like glued together with the (again, I don’t know the real term) bekas cut at the bone-patellar-bone, that later will affect my gait and bending knee. 😦

I need to bend fully my knee; 120 degrees. I want to run again. I want to pray with the perfect duduk antara dua sujud. The only thing now,

I’M SCARED!

I was deeply bleeding waving my good bye hand to my family this evening. They are on their way back to Selangor and now I’m all alone again. Yes. I have friends and they’re lovely! It just, I am to afraid to call for help. I did all alone when I’m alone and I found out it’s really tiring and dangerous.

What more can I say?

I need to face this. I’m stronger when it comes to the word ‘have to’. But, I just too weak to prevent myself from crying, locked in the toilet or silently under the pillow/blanket. I just need shoulder. Would you lend yours?

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~ oleh INFINITY di Mac 1, 2010.

4 Respons to “Deeply Afraid”

  1. ..k.hud kuat!!..kagum sbb k.hud masih kuat tuk semua nie..

  2. adhesion eh? takpe huda. moga kuat!

    teruskan bergerak, hingga kelelahan itu lelah mengikutmu.

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